On Grief and Grieving...

Sadly, when fertility treatment has not worked or when someone who has so wanted to be a parent and hasn’t been able to, one of the questions I hear quite often is, “How do I grieve this loss of something I’ve never had”?

Some people may not even see it as ‘grief’ and only appreciate it is when I use the words, ‘when you describe how you feel, this sounds to me, like grief’.

Regardless of whether someone saw it as grief or not, the overriding question still comes through, which is “How do I grieve something I’ve lost, which I never had”?

Sometimes I think this question comes about because other people get involved with their own thoughts and in a (failed) attempt to try and help, statements come out such as, ‘it’s not like you lost a baby’ or ‘it’s not like you had a chance to become attached’!

This is LOSS and it is GRIEF and it will take space, time and energy to process. A good (fertility) counsellor can help and also caring support from other who you trust (friends and family) who are empathic. Plus your own love and understanding for yourself will all be useful tools.

When you or someone you know questions or doubts this as true grief, give some thought to unrequited Love and the pain this can bring.

I recently watched Far from the Madding Crowd again (2015 version) and every time I watch this movie am moved by various scenes, not least when Mr Bowood (a wealthy landowner) expresses his feeling to Mr Oak (hardworking farmer) when recognising that he will not be marring Bathsheba who he truly loved:

From the movie…

Mr Bowood says to [Gabriel] Oak, “you know that things have not gone well with me lately. I was going to get a little settled in life, but it was not to be. I daresay I am something of a joke about the parish, but I do want to make it clear that there was no jilting on her part. We were never engaged. No matter what people say, she promised me nothing. And yet, Gabriel, I feel the most terrible grief”. 

Even when promised nothing, we can feel the most terrible grief.

There are many wonderful quotes on grief, search for them if you wish and I’m sure many will resonate.